It looks as though it's all fiction - the English language, for example. I know it. But I can't believe that it exists outside of my mind. It does exists inside our collective minds, cuz people answer me but - I don't believe it still. Trouble is, I think that I'm dreaming. For the first time today i didn't feel safe when i saw my house again, just out of a bad dream. I was not sure that it was actual, for the first time. So I still think that I'm dreaming. I awoke, slept and awoke again in that dream, and now I'm working still in the dream. I'd like to wake up. Difficult thing. I have been mastering a waking up technique since I was a little kid: slamming my eyelids shut in the dream. As I aged, I had to press them harder and harder to force me back into awareness. Till one day it didn't work anymore. I couldn't get away from that particular bad dream. Some followed. Sometimes I could awake, sometimes not. I was about six. It was a bad time.
Somehow, though, I managed to improved that technique. I think it was in the middle of some horrid nightmare: I struggled so desperately to get out of there that I sent a massive discharge of adrenalin down my spine - while still sleeping, so I could just - get - out. It was freaky horrible, I felt dizzy and unrested the first time I did it. In fact, I felt dizzy and unrested every time I did it. But it was still better than staying there with the monsters and my sadic subconscious mind. Anyway, I had always had the theory that the line between my conscious and subconscious mind was not that thick. I could always remember what I dreamed with an amazing amount of detail. When I dreamt I knew it was a dream and I had a real life to get back to - and I'd even learn to tell the difference, within time. But that was only the you're-not-that-postal part. Sometimes I could see places I had dreamt of repeat themselves in real life, sometimes I'd write fiction and tiny details of it subsequently came real in a quite haunting way. Things were escaping into life and I'm sorry that they do. But now apparently what I want is to escape life, because somehow, I'm not really sure that I woke up today.

  link to this post ~ 11:32 AM
blog_sibylla (English version) - by Simone Campos

New novel

Don't bother to buy any of it, it's all in Portuguese.
Title:A feia noite
Style: obsessive, grotesque, baroque, fabulous
Plot: a political consultant with scruple and a libertine with a cause go awry.
Release: september/2006.

  • Prologue and 1st chapter (in portuguese)
  • Maria Luiza's blog (in portuguese)
  • Bygones

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  • More of the same

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